If you need to defend yourself against an accusation, it means some part of you believes it. If someone called Joe a horrible father, it wouldn’t create shame — there’s nothing in him that believes it. But if someone hits on something he actually believes about himself, the need to defend arises.
“If you need to convince somebody that you’re not wrong or you’re not bad, it means you feel like you’re wrong and bad — means you’re in the shame.”
Brett adds a crucial nuance: it’s not just about believing it, it also has to bother you. You might believe you’re a horrible violin player at your first lesson and not care at all — no defensiveness, no shame.
This makes defensiveness a powerful diagnostic tool. Wherever you see defensiveness — in yourself, in a team member, in a relationship dynamic — that’s where shame is operating. You can use it as a breadcrumb to trace back to the shame hot potato being passed around. The defensiveness itself is the signal that shame has landed.
Related Concepts
- Defensiveness kills team communication
- Wonder eliminates defensiveness
- Not defending reveals inherent goodness
- Shame gets passed back and forth in fights