Joe calls it the “shame ball” or “shame hot potato”—the way couples in conflict pass shame back and forth, each trying to make the other the “bad” one.
“There’s two people who are in shame. They haven’t said their truth because they’re ashamed of their needs and wants. They haven’t drawn their boundaries because they’re ashamed. And now they’re just passing that shame back and forth.”
The Pattern
- “You’re bad for being crazy.”
- “You’re bad for lending money.”
- “You’re bad for losing the house.”
- “You’re bad for…”
Back and forth, endlessly.
The Trap
Each person thinks they’re defending themselves. “I’m only telling you I lied because you go crazy!” But to the other person, that defense is an attack. And their defense (“I only go crazy because you lie!”) is an attack back.
“Each of their defenses builds into a deeper and deeper fight because each of their defenses is an attack to the other person.”
What’s Underneath
The fight isn’t really about the money or the lying. It’s about the shame both people are carrying—shame about their needs, their wants, their limits. The fight is an attempt to get rid of that shame by putting it on the other person.
It doesn’t work.
Related Concepts
- avoider dynamic in relationships
- Triggers reveal what we judge in ourselves
- Resisting parts of yourself creates more of that behavior
- Only one person needs to drop the shame hot potato
- Anger and withdrawal of love are how shame gets passed
- Fighting without shame transforms conflict
- Defensiveness is a breadcrumb back to shame
- Your defense feels like an attack to the other person