One of the most counterintuitive teachings: by not allowing yourself to be something, you often create more of it.
“By not allowing yourself to be it, you’re creating this friction in your system that often creates more of it.”
Joe’s Story
When Joe’s friend called him “a dick” and Joe owned it instead of defending against it, something shifted:
“And then what was weird was I noticed that I wasn’t doing the things that made me be a dick as much.”
His Mother’s Story
Joe’s mother constantly criticized herself for being a “bad mom.” That self-criticism made her more likely to act out the very behaviors she was ashamed of.
“The more she thought it, the more likely she was to be a bad mom. The more she could actually just own the fact that she wasn’t a perfect mother and that nobody’s a perfect mother… so many of the behaviors that she felt ashamed about would have just gone away.”
The Mechanism
Shame and resistance create internal friction. That friction doesn’t motivate change—it perpetuates the pattern. Acceptance, paradoxically, is what allows transformation.
Related Concepts
- Triggers reveal what we judge in ourselves
- What triggers you in others is something you don’t like in yourself
- Grief of self-abandonment
- Anger turned inward becomes shame and shoulds
- Teaching children to reference themselves builds their internal compass
- The pressure-resist cycle is a game to avoid feeling sadness
- Surrender into love prevents self-betrayal