Drawing on the Internal Family Systems model, Bessel describes the essential approach to protective parts: first validate them. When a manager part — the one that says “I will never be vulnerable, never give up control” — starts screaming as deeper work threatens its position, the trick is not to override it but to honor it.
You say to that part: you are so important. You helped me survive. Love that part of yourself even though everybody else may hate it. Only after it’s validated — after you’ve acknowledged how useful it was in helping you become a relatively independent person — can you gently suggest: “Maybe you can sort of change the job description a little bit.”
This mirrors Joe’s broader teaching about loving all aspects of yourself. The process is fractal — it happens at every scale, from surface patterns to the deepest core protections. The parts barely visible at the beginning of therapy are often the ones that create the biggest upheaval near the end.