When the man asks about sitting with the emotions that arise during his healing process, he frames it as something he “needs” to do. Joe corrects him: “You don’t need to. You get to.” Then he tells the story of his daughter’s feral cat—a mangy animal living in the compost pile. His daughter didn’t pick it up and squeeze it and demand it be different. She spent three weeks patiently getting the cat to eat out of her hand. And it became part of the family.
This reframe is essential. The wounded inner child—the part that learned to dissociate, to mask, to put on the stone face—is scared. Teaching it that feelings are safe doesn’t happen through force, willpower, or “shoulds.” It happens through patient presence from the non-personal space: sitting with the fear without demanding it change, letting it release on its own timeline.
“Imagine if you had like a little kid who had had that trauma and you’re teaching it that it’s safe. Do you do it by saying you should be different? No, you just sit in the presence of it and it’s going to be scared and it’s going to release that fear and you’re going to sit in the presence of that too.”
The shift from “I need to” to “I get to” transforms the entire orientation from obligation and self-improvement to curiosity and care.
Related Concepts
- Gentleness accelerates growth
- Loving the protective part before asking it to change
- Welcoming, not just accepting emotions