Summary
Joe reframes getting triggered from something to avoid into one of the best things that can happen to you. When we get triggered, it’s because someone said something that “rhymes with our negative self-talk”—we only get defensive about things we secretly agree with.
He shares a story of a friend calling him “a dick” and how owning that truth (rather than defending against it) actually reduced the behavior. The teaching extends to projection: what triggers us in others is always something we don’t allow in ourselves.
The key insight is that resisting parts of ourselves creates friction that often produces more of that very behavior. Self-acceptance—admitting we’re imperfect like everyone else—is what actually allows change.
Key Concepts
- Triggers reveal what we judge in ourselves
- We get triggered when something rhymes with our negative self-talk
- What triggers you in others is something you don’t like in yourself
- Resisting parts of yourself creates more of that behavior
Key Quotes
“Getting triggered is one of the best possible things that can ever happen to you.”
“We get triggered when somebody says something to us that rhymes with our negative self-talk.”
“You getting triggered only happens when somebody is saying something that you agree with.”
“It’s always the case that the thing that triggers you about somebody else is something in yourself that you don’t like.”
“The more she thought it, the more likely she was to be a bad mom. The more she could actually just own the fact that she wasn’t a perfect mother… so many of the behaviors that she felt ashamed about would have just gone away.”
“Do you want the experience of being triggered and defended and proving everybody wrong about you? Or do you want the freedom that’s on the other side of a trigger?”
Transcript
It took me a long time to realize this, but getting triggered is one of the best possible things that can ever happen to you. I was hanging out at Bodega Bay. I’m overlooking the water with my friend and he looks at me and he goes, “You know, Joe, you’re a dick.” And I was like, “No, I’m not.” Got defended, got triggered. “No, I’m not. What are you talking about? You know, I’m actually a really nice person…” He’s like, “Hey, you don’t have to defend it. Don’t worry about it. Like, don’t get triggered. You’re a dick. It’s okay. We still love you. It’s no problem. I mean, there’s a lot of people who are dicks who are great people. Like, don’t worry about it.”
And there was nothing in him that was attacking me. It was just owning something. And so, I owned it. I was like, “Yeah, okay. I can totally see it.” And I guarantee you that all of us can see some way in which we are a dick, right? Or not nice. And so, I looked at those places. I was like, “Yeah, you know what? That’s true. I can totally see that. I can see how you would say that.” Absolutely.
And then what was weird was I noticed that I wasn’t doing the things that made me be a dick as much.
So what happens? How do we get triggered? We get triggered when somebody says something to us that rhymes with our negative self-talk. If you say to somebody, “Boy, you’re taking a lot of pills.” And they have no problem with that. They’re going to say to you, “Oh, yeah, I’m sick and I need to take these pills for X, Y, and Z.”
But if you say to somebody, “Boy, you take a lot of pills.” And the voice in their head is telling them like, “What’s wrong with you? You have to take all these pills.” Man, they’re going to get triggered. They’re going to get defended. They’re going to be upset with you.
Which means you getting triggered only happens when somebody is saying something that you agree with. Right? If I said to you right now, “You know what? The sky is purple.” And you don’t agree with that, you’re probably not going to get triggered by it. But if you think to yourself, “Wow, the sky is purple, but everybody else thinks it’s blue, so I shouldn’t think it’s purple.” And then I say, “You think the sky is purple,” you’re going to get triggered by it.
Now, when you get triggered, you could get triggered by getting angry. “No, the sky isn’t purple.” Or you can get triggered by shame. “Oh man, I keep on thinking that sky is purple. I got to stop doing that.” Or you can get triggered by fear. “Oh my gosh, he knows that the sky is purple and I think the sky is purple. What is he going to think of me?”
But whatever is happening, you’re having an emotional response because somebody said something to you that rhymes with what you say to yourself all the time.
So the other thing is that it works in reverse as well. Let’s say I’m triggered by you because you’re so judgmental. Now, first of all, obviously I’m judgmental. I just got triggered by you for being judgmental. So, I’m judging your judgment. So, clearly I’m judgmental.
But that’s always the case. It’s always the case that the thing that triggers you about somebody else is something in yourself that you don’t like, right?
If you’re really happy to be able to share all the cool things you’ve done and then somebody else shares the good things they’ve done, there’s no problem. You’re like, “Oh, cool. Thanks for sharing that. I love to hear those stories.”
But if you’re one of those people who thinks that’s bragging and that you’re not allowed to brag and then they do it, then you’re going to say, “Oh, that person’s a bragger.” You’re going to judge them. They’re going to be bad. And it means that you think the part of you that wants to share all the cool things you’ve done is bad.
And the crazy thing is, whatever that thing is, whether it’s wanting to be seen or wanting to share all the cool things you’ve done, whether it’s being judgmental, whether it’s being a braggart, whether it’s being arrogant, whether it’s being falsely humble, we all do it. Every single one of us does it.
And so, you’re actually judging yourself for something that other people and most likely everybody has experienced. And you’re not allowing yourself to be that. And by not allowing yourself to be it, you’re creating this friction in your system that often creates more of it.
I was hanging out with my mom the other day and she looked at me and she goes, “Do you think I was a bad mom?” And I remembered as a kid, every time I said she was a bad mom, she got so defensive. She got so angry. She got so triggered.
And I just sat there. I looked at her and it just broke my heart because I realized for the first time that whole thing—what it was about was that she was thinking she was a bad mom. All those triggers, all that stuff was that she was criticizing herself.
And the more she thought it, the more likely she was to be a bad mom. The more she could actually just own the fact that she wasn’t a perfect mother and that nobody’s a perfect mother and that she wanted to be a good mother—like so many of the behaviors that she felt ashamed about would have just gone away.
So just to review it for a minute, can you love and accept and admit all these parts of yourself without shame? But you can’t do that unless you see those parts of yourself. And you can’t see those parts of yourself unless you get triggered.
Which is why being triggered is so incredibly exciting for me now because it’s like, “Oh my gosh, there’s some part of me that I don’t want to admit to, that I don’t like, that I judge, that I’m ashamed of.”
And it’s an amazing thing now. You see it all the time in my classes. You’ll see people attack me. You’ll see people come at me in all different ways. And you’ll see over and over again that I’m just like, “Oh, cool. Yeah, absolutely.”
You know, somebody’s like, “You’re not competent.” I’m like, “Absolutely. I can name 10 ways I’m not competent.” Because there’s nothing in me resisting. I’m not triggered by it anymore. Of course, I’m incompetent. Of course, I don’t know what I’m talking about. None of us know exactly what we’re talking about. Nobody has it all together. Nobody’s completely competent. Absolutely. Yes. How could I disagree with you?
It’s just if I don’t allow myself to be incompetent. If I think being incompetent is bad—that I would get triggered.
So, the question is, what do you want? Do you want to have the experience of being triggered and defended and proving everybody wrong about you? Or do you want the freedom that’s on the other side of a trigger?