One of Joe’s most important parenting pillars: “Their job isn’t to listen to us. Their job is to listen to themselves.” He doesn’t want obedient children—he wants children who can feel what’s right and wrong from within.
The practical method, introduced by his wife Tara: instead of saying “good job,” they reflect the child’s internal state back to them. “Oh, how does that feel? I see that makes you feel great inside—that’s cool.” This constantly trains the child to listen inward rather than seek external validation.
Behind this is a trust that humans are inherently good, and that if children learn to listen to themselves, they’ll naturally act from that goodness. Joe notes that people most likely to get addicted or stay in a job they hate for 40 years are people who never learned to listen to themselves.
“I do not want my child to do what I say. I want my child to learn how to listen to themselves and say: oh, that feels good, that doesn’t feel good, that feels right, that doesn’t feel right.”
This same principle shows up in Joe’s coaching: he perpetually deconstructs clients’ thought processes so they can see themselves, rather than telling them what to do.
Related Concepts
- Chase your own approval
- Speaking your truth dissolves the need for approval
- Being yourself designs your life
- To not harm your children, love yourself
- Connection is the core need in parenting, not obedience
- Parenting is the deepest ego work you can do
- Your relationship with yourself shapes your relationship with your children
- Childhood criticism teaches you not to trust yourself