Brett describes sitting in a classroom as a child, wanting to play, and being told that what he naturally wanted wasn’t right. From this, he drew a devastating conclusion: “The thing that I do want is probably not the thing.” Once a child internalizes that their natural impulses are wrong, they lose the ability to trust themselves — and that self-distrust becomes the foundation for a lifetime of procrastination.
Joe traces this to well-meaning but fear-driven parenting: “Somebody who in their best heart wanted the best for me and they were scared and because of that fear they felt they had to control. And lost connection with me, lost attunement.” The parent’s fear leads to control, which replaces attunement with management, teaching the child that their inner compass is broken.
“The internalization of the idea that whatever I want isn’t right. And then you’re screwed. That takes some deep unlearning.”
The solution mirrors the original wound: the parent’s job was to listen deeply; now the adult’s job is to listen to themselves deeply. Not the inherited critical voice, but the genuine self underneath — “What would make this feel great? What do I need to do first?” This is why Joe and Tara chose not to shame or excessively praise their children: both teach kids not to listen to themselves.
Related Concepts
- Procrastination cannot exist without self-abuse
- Attunement must be learned if not modeled
- Awareness changes what shoulds cannot
- Teaching children to reference themselves builds their internal compass
- To not harm your children, love yourself
- Attunement patterns in childhood become the emotional cycles of adult life
- Rebellion becomes the only sense of self under suffocating control
- Parenting is one of the deepest ego dissolution practices available