Joe Sanok traces his achiever pattern to his father’s era of behavioral psychology, where star charts and external rewards replaced the previous generation’s physical punishment. A genuine step forward — but one that created deep external reinforcement. The star chart, given by someone in authority, doesn’t develop the internal locus of control.
Sanok now consciously builds internal reward systems with his daughters. When a friend drops off Cheetos during quarantine, instead of handing them over as a reward, he asks his daughter to choose something she wants to accomplish for herself — then use the Cheetos as her own self-reward. The shift is subtle but profound: the child sets the goal, the child rewards herself, the parent provides the opportunity but not the judgment.
“Instead of it being me giving her the external reward, it’s her saying here’s a goal for myself, I’m going to achieve it, and then I’m going to eat these Cheetos.”
This extends to his broader parenting philosophy: consent in physical touch (always asking “do you want a hug?”), lots of choice with accountability, teaching the nuances of context rather than absolute right and wrong. The goal is children who can self-reference — who know what they want, can set their own standards, and don’t need an authority figure to tell them they’ve done well.
Related Concepts
- External scorecards always move
- Chase your own approval
- Teach children self-referencing
- Transcend and include rather than reject previous stages