In most fights, both people feel like they’re defending themselves, and both people feel attacked. This is because defense and attack are the same move viewed from different angles. When I say “that’s not what I meant”—I feel like I’m defending. You hear another dismissal of your experience—another attack.
“Both people feel like they are defending themselves and both people feel attacked.”
This pattern is fractal—it operates the same way between spouses, between colleagues, between nations. “It doesn’t even matter if this is a fight between a man and a wife or like NATO and Russia.” The mechanism is identical: my defense triggers your defense, which I experience as an attack, which triggers my defense.
The only exit is one person choosing to stop defending. Not because they’re wrong, but because they recognize there’s nothing to defend.
Related Concepts
- Shame gets passed back and forth in fights
- avoider dynamic in relationships
- How we listen shapes what we hear
- All power dynamics are two scared people defending themselves
- Not defending yourself reveals your inherent goodness