The simplest way to understand any power dynamic — in a marriage, a boardroom, a political system — is that it’s two people who each believe they’re defending themselves while perceiving the other as attacking. Neither person feels like the aggressor. Both feel justified. Both are scared.
This mutual misperception is what makes conflicts escalate and feel intractable. Each person’s defense is heard as an offense by the other, which triggers their defense, which is heard as offense, creating an endless loop. The fear underneath drives binary thinking — win/lose, right/wrong, attack/defend — which eliminates the possibility of seeing the other person’s experience.
The dissolution is surprisingly simple: if you can see that the other person isn’t trying to attack you but thinks they’re defending themselves, “the whole thing dissolves.” You shift from adversary to compassionate observer. The conflict doesn’t disappear, but the power game evaporates.
“It’s two people who think they’re defending themselves and think the other person is attacking them.”
“If you can see it that way, if you can see all of these conflicts where someone’s trying to have power over the other person, it immediately the whole thing dissolves.”