Breaking the shame hot potato cycle doesn’t require both parties to be aware of it. In a political conversation, a business conflict, or a marriage — it only requires one person to stop passing it. You “drop the hot potato.”
What this looks like: feel the shame, process the emotions underneath it (grief, helplessness, anger), and listen to the other person. See what’s true for them. Ask questions. Be impartial. Joe says this can solve a hot potato inside an organization or marriage.
But doing it requires two things. First, you have to genuinely not want the other person to feel ashamed — which means confronting the part of you that does. Joe had a couple look at each other and say “there’s nothing in me that wants you to feel ashamed or bad right now.” One couldn’t say it comfortably, revealing they did want the other to feel shame.
Second, you have to give yourself the same grace you’re extending. It’s very hard to offer gentleness to someone else that you’re not giving yourself. The subconscious logic is: “If I’m going to feel shame, then you should feel shame.” Breaking the cycle means interrupting that logic — in yourself first.
Related Concepts
- Shame gets passed back and forth in fights
- Feel what’s underneath the shame to break stagnation
- Fighting without shame transforms conflict
- Anger and withdrawal of love are how shame gets passed