Joe uses the Bay Bridge metaphor: two people photograph the same bridge from different angles and then argue about which picture is “the” Bay Bridge. Both are true — they’re just different perspectives. In a fight, what we really want is to be seen, and the way to do that is to recognize truth in every perspective.
The harder version goes further: right and wrong themselves are tools we use to create separation and judgment. There’s always context to any truth — water boils at 100°C at sea level, on this planet, today. As far as the human condition goes, thinking you’re right and your partner is wrong is incredibly painful for both of you.
A common trap is the logical/emotional partner dynamic. The “logical” one represses emotions through judgment (“I’m right, you’re wrong”) while the “emotional” one absorbs that through empathy (“They feel right, so they must be”). Neither is more advanced. Joe insists: if you’ve been with someone more than a year, you are equally matched. Your trauma, your lessons — it’s an algebraic equation with an equal sign.
“What do I have to feel if I can’t collapse my partner into wrong?”
The real question isn’t who’s right — it’s what emotions you’d have to feel if you couldn’t make the other person wrong.
Related Concepts
- Every fight can bring you closer together
- Wonder eliminates defensiveness
- Partners are perfectly matched to trigger you
- The logical vs emotional partner dynamic is a trap
- Seeing their truth is different from finding ‘the’ truth
- Partners are attracted because they teach what you need to learn
- Depersonalize the problem — it’s a patient on the table
- Both people in a fight want to be seen