In relationships, we habitually try to determine the truth — who’s right, who’s wrong, what actually happened. Joe describes how he used to hear Tara’s complaints and immediately sort them into “true” or “not true,” which meant one of them had done something wrong. This adjudication instinct turns every disagreement into a courtroom.
The shift is realizing that each person has their truth — their reality, their experience, what matters to them — and it doesn’t need to be validated or invalidated against some objective standard. Joe learned to think: “This is true for her. This is how she sees the world. It doesn’t have to be mine. It’s hers.”
“If you’re looking for what the truth is instead of trying to understand the other person’s truth and what their reality is, then you miss each other.”
This doesn’t mean compromising yourself or changing your actions. It means saying “I understand you, I get how that’s the case” without needing to agree or disagree. Understanding someone’s truth is not the same as accepting it as your own. Joe and Tara would sometimes simply acknowledge: “This is the way I see it, this is the way you see it” — without requiring either person to change.
“Nobody has ever said once I find the truth of this relationship then the relationship will be happy. But everybody says I would love to be seen.”
Related Concepts
- Both people in a fight want to be seen
- Being seen transforms behavior
- Seeking understanding is seeking connection
- Never compromise — find solutions that work for both
- There is no right or wrong in a fight, only perspectives
- Mirroring reveals how much we misunderstand each other
- A relationship is not a courtroom
- The logical vs emotional partner dynamic is a trap