Joe’s pivotal story: Lil Tuttle at his second boarding school was the first adult who was genuinely interested in who Joe was. Not trying to fix him, not worried about him — just pleasurably curious. “He saw the best in me, so the best in me showed up for him.” Joe went from bad grades and being one of the most disturbed kids in school to straight A’s and well-adjusted.
He sees the same pattern in a coaching session with a suspended teenager. The boy’s day-to-day clearly didn’t include anyone interested in how he saw the world. When Joe asked genuine questions from curiosity, the kid lit up describing his Tom Sawyer adventures. The message being sent: “The way you look at the world is valid. Who you are is valid.”
Esme tells a parallel story about an attention-seeking teammate she found annoying — until she gave her a ride home and learned the girl never felt her parents paid her any attention. Esme shifted from frustration to compassion and simply showed the girl she was cared for. At the last game, the girl was sobbing, thanking Esme for making her feel part of the team.
Related Concepts
- Feeling seen dissolves politics
- People want connection, not perfection
- Being interested rather than interesting creates connection