Joe asks Esme how many of her peers feel like their parents genuinely like them. Her answer: “Not many.” Most feel loved — their parents provide, show up, say the words — but the constant corrections (“you shouldn’t be angry,” “why aren’t you getting this sport,” “you’re too feisty”) communicate something else: you need to be managed, you need to be controlled, we don’t trust you to show up as you are.
Esme distinguishes between feeling loved and feeling like she has an actual relationship with her parents — mutual respect, reciprocity, genuine enjoyment of each other’s company. Most teenagers she knows don’t have this.
Joe’s guiding principle from early on: treat your kid the way you’d treat an adult you respect. Draw boundaries (that’s the parenting part), but in every other way, show genuine interest, enjoyment, and respect for who they are.
Related Concepts
- Being genuinely seen and interested in transforms behavior
- Imposter syndrome roots in conditional love