Joe and Tara developed a phrase: “Let’s not go into the courtroom.” The courtroom was their metaphor for the mode where they’d try to figure out who did what, who was right, who was wrong — adjudicating life as if there were a judge who could render a verdict.
The courtroom frame is seductive because it promises resolution through truth-finding. But relationships don’t work that way. When one person is declared “right,” the other is declared “wrong,” which means someone has to carry shame. And shame doesn’t resolve conflict — it stagnates it.
Joe describes the alternative: “This is the way you see reality. This is the way I see reality. How do we want to be together?” They could hold different views without requiring either person to change. The critical boundary was never saying “because we see it that way, you have to be this way or I have to be that way.” Neither had to become someone else to be loved.
This reframe turns conflict from a zero-sum game (someone must be wrong) into a collaborative exploration (how do we want to be together given our different realities?).
Related Concepts
- Seeing their truth, not finding ‘the’ truth
- Blame is an unowned want
- Never compromise — find solutions that work for both