When it wasn’t safe to have needs as a child—when expressing needs was met with abuse, neglect, or dismissal—the survival response is to become radically self-reliant. “I have needs and I’m not going to share them with you because I’ve got this. I’m on my island.”
“I have needs and I’m not going to share them with you because I’ve got this. I’m on my island. It’s all right. You go do you and I’m going to figure this out on my own.”
This self-reliance looks like strength but is actually a prison. The person can’t make demands, can’t ask for help, can’t even share their needs with themselves. They become a therapist, a helper—someone who meets others’ needs because their own are off-limits.
The breakthrough comes when the person can make demands—aggressive, clear, unapologetic demands—of another person. Not because the demands need to be met, but because making them proves that having needs is survivable.
Related Concepts
- Codependence comes from not owning wants
- Owning wants means being okay with having them
- We push away support we don’t trust