Summary
In this coaching session from a live Q&A, Joe works with a mental health professional who has 25 years of experience but feels stuck and unable to move forward with her next project. Despite knowing her patterns intellectually, she can’t break free.
Joe identifies that she has layered survival strategies: she uses somatic presencing (breathwork) to avoid feeling, sadness to avoid anger, and a need to “be the best” as a core survival pattern. Her tools have become tools for staying stuck. The deeper issue is a relational trauma—she learned it wasn’t safe to have needs or make demands of others, leading to extreme self-reliance.
The breakthrough comes when Joe helps her access non-victim anger (determination), open her heart to doubt rather than fight it, and recognize that the energy she accesses in dance is the same energy available through embracing doubt with an open heart.
Key Concepts
- Knowing your patterns doesn’t free you from them
- Your healing tools can become tools for staying stuck
- Anger unresisted becomes determination and clarity
- Unmet needs create compulsive self-reliance
Key Quotes
“You’re actually using your tools to keep you stuck.”
“What I’m seeing now is the sadness actually comes out when you’re angry. So, you avoid anger with sadness and you avoid sadness with somatic presencing.”
“Anger unresisted is determination and clarity.”
“I have needs and I’m not going to share them with you because I’ve got this. I’m on my island.”
“Every time you go into your head spin of doubt, move into opening your heart to the doubt.”
Transcript
Yes. Just listen to me, I’ve got something I have to say. It’s important that I say this. God, I’m already feeling it though, Joe. It starts to go already. I feel it. If you’re feeling stuck in life and unable to get what you want, this will be a great video for you. In this coaching session that happened during one of our live and for the public Q&As’s, we explore how the underlying belief in yourself and the lack thereof can really keep you stuck and how to get out of it. Why am I stuck? um moving forward. Why am I not moving forward feeling the confidence um that I want to have after 25 years of being a mental health professional? Why am I not just running in and doing this next thing that I’m ready to do? Why am I stuck? Why am I hesitating? Um I’ve got so much readiness parts of me that are so ready. I got it. So, what what’s what’s with the judgment? Yeah, the judgment. Um, it’s not going to be as good as I think I thought it was going to be. Uh, I’m not as good as I thought I would be. Yeah. What’s the problem with that? Um, I was always the good one. Uh, I always figured out how to be the top of my class. Cool. Um, okay, great. Now we know what the real issue is. Yeah. You’re you’re not the top of your class in this. Like no, there’s no possible way. Whatever it is, the project you’re going to want to do next, you’re you won’t be the top. Sit. Sit. Yeah. Feel. Yeah. So, what I just noticed is that you went to a sematic experience to not feel rather than feel. Yep. Yeah. So, yeah. Yeah. I use my breath to self-regulate really quickly before I have to feel. sometimes that Yeah. Yeah. Saw it. Yeah. Well trained. Yeah. So, we’re gonna go back to you’re not going to be the best. Yeah. Period. Yeah. Yeah. There it is. Yeah. I’m not the best. Yeah. You’re not the best. There I don’t even know if somebody could claim best, but there’s pro there’s definitely people better than both of us in whatever it is that you’re going to do. Yes. Yeah. survival pattern. Be the best. Be the safest. Um, get out of your head. Your head. You I know you can see the patterns. You’re a mental health professional. You’ve seen the patterns for years, but that doesn’t isn’t helping you get out of it. Yeah. So, yeah, you’re, as a matter of fact, you’re so not the best that you can’t get out of this. You’re stuck. That’s how not the best you are. Yes. Joe, what the I am supposed to be the best I can get. I’m supposed to get out of this, right? And I’m stuck with all my tools, with everything I know, and I’m still doing this. You’re actually using your tools to keep you stuck. Yeah. Yeah. Yes. Master. Yeah. Cool. So, feel that. Yeah. Now I see. Yeah. Feel that for a second. Yeah. So, you have two survival techniques that are working here. Yeah. Yes. And I’m just tired of that. I am frustrated. Yeah. Yeah. Tell me all about it. Tell me all about it. Yes. I’m just so frustrated holding myself back. I’m only here on this planet for a short amount of time and I have some stuff to do and I’m tired. Okay, cool. So, what I’m seeing now is the the sadness actually comes out when you’re angry. So, you avoid anger with sadness and you avoid sadness with with sematic presencing. What the I really worked this. I know. Yeah. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. And it’s funny like Yeah. Anger is something that I um have been playing with a little more. Oh, I feel like on fire when I get angry. There’s like this fire in my belly. Yeah. and I just want to go and I want to go and then all of a sudden something comes in and that’s it just happened. Yeah, it literally just happened. You show up with a just a little bit of anger and then you like I’m angry and I want to do something. Yeah. Yeah. Right. So, so two things are happening simultaneously. The first one is that you see on some level which is you had to be the best. Mhm. But the second one is that like you were trying to be the best to please somebody so that they would stop being mentally something abusive with you. Right. Yeah. And so, and that’s where your anger gets repressed because you either don’t want to be like that person or there’s some something going on there. So, let me just actually hear your anger that is not a victim anger, right? So, it’s not an anger of why can’t I just it’s like you, that, like aggressive like I am going to dominate. I am not going to be dominated. So, can I hit the hair? Yeah. Like, just Yes. Just listen to me, I’ve got something I have to say. It’s important that I say this. God, I’m already feeling it, though, Joe. It starts to go already. I feel it. I can’t pass that. Keep keep coming. Don’t don’t don’t let it stop you for one minute. One minute. I can feel it dampering, but I’m so tired of it. I’m so angry. That’s the victim. Yep. Okay. Tired of it? No. You. I have something to say. I have something to say. I need to say it right now. You’re going to listen. You’re gonna back up. Uh something something somebody I’m pissed off at. There it is. Oh, and what just happened is you as soon as you made a demand of somebody else. Yep. Yeah. Because this is a relational trauma. This. Yeah. It’s Yeah. So, do me a favor. Make in a in an aggressive tone, make 10 demands of me. It’s not personal. I’m not going to do them. Just make or make five demands of me. Uh gosh, see that’s hard. Um yeah. Okay, Joe, give me an answer. Tell me what I need to do. Um understand me. Um Uh See, this is harder than I thought it was going to be. Uh, I can tell the world this, but like telling you something is much harder. Like the symbol of I need something. I have needs. Oh, wow. I have needs, Joe. No, that’s that’s okay. I have needs and I’m not going to share them with you because I’ve got this. I’m on my island. It’s all right. You go do you and I’m going to figure this out on my own. Right? Which is why I almost didn’t raise my hand here too because I’m like, “What am I doing being all visible?” Yep. Yeah. You have needs and I have needs, right? And you don’t share them. You don’t even share them with yourself. It wasn’t safe to have needs and to share needs. So, I was self-reliant. I became a therapist. I was very good at being able to do that. So, what’s the need? What’s the need that you have that’s moving this thing in you that wants to go out into the world that you have to express the belief? I I have a need to believe in myself. It It’s this it’s just like I know that I have a gift. Oh, that’s a story. You all You believe in yourself. Clearly. I believe in myself. That’s why I’m confused. I believe in myself. I know I’ve got this. Yeah. So, be in that belief for a minute. I know I’ve got this. No, that’s you trying to convince yourself. Okay. Yeah. Self-belief. I do believe myself. Yeah, you clearly do. Yeah, I believe myself. You wouldn’t have called raised You wouldn’t have raised your hand. You wouldn’t have Yeah. And I asked this question because I believe in myself. So, hold on. Believe in yourself and tell me what your need is. I believe in myself and I need to move forward with what I know. I need to go create what I am ready to create. Yeah. Yeah. And do it with confidence. Do it. What makes what makes you need it with confidence? Because it’s when I doubt myself that things go wrong. It’s it’s when I doubt myself that I lose momentum or I lose funding or I lose when you doubt yourself or when you doubt your anger. Anger can I be angry? Yeah, some of it is anger. Uh that’s anger un in Tibetan world they say that anger unresisted is determination and clarity. Yeah. Okay. Determination that feels right. Fire belly out of your head. Yeah. Like and that’s only time I I I get free of this is when I am moving. When I am doing dance if I’m lost. Yeah. I I will feel the spark and it gets it gets really hella strong. It’s there and I’m like wow like you should be doing this and then okay so I just have I have a hack for you and then this will this will do it. So I want you to go into the doubt for a moment. All the doubt. It’s not going to be the best. You’re going to it up. No one’s going to pay attention. No one’s going to listen. Yeah. You feel the doubt. Yeah. And open your heart to it. Love the doubt. And there’s some fear. Just keep loving the doubt. How close is that to the way you feel when you dance? Yeah. Much closer. Yeah. So you’ve got two jobs. Move the anger every day. Move the anger. Not not that kind of victimy anger. That that dominant anger. Don’t do it at anybody. I mean, you can do it at somebody, but just not with them in the room, right? You can like move that anger at people, but just not with them in the room or whatever. And every time you go into your head spin of doubt, move into opening your heart to the doubt. Yeah. You can feel that really grounded. Yeah. Belly energy. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, Joe. You’re welcome. Pleasure.