How someone frames their problem reveals the problem itself. When the woman in this coaching session said “I’m driving my boyfriend crazy” rather than “I’m in pain from my own indecision,” Joe immediately saw the codependence. She made her boyfriend the subject of her problem, not herself.
This framing — “I just want to stop doing things that upset him” — sounds loving but is actually a departure from self. It orients entirely around the other person’s emotional state rather than one’s own experience. The real question isn’t “how do I stop upsetting him?” but “how do I stop losing myself?”
“You asked me the question as like I’m driving my boyfriend crazy as if he’s like the subject matter, not you.”
This pattern is diagnostic: if you consistently describe your problems in terms of other people’s reactions rather than your own felt experience, codependence is likely operating. The shift is to ask: what is MY pain here? What am I feeling?
Related Concepts
- Codependence comes from not owning wants
- Caretaking manages others to avoid your feelings
- Self-abandonment in communication
- Codependent cycling between shame and anger avoids heartbreak