Rather than issuing directives, Joe brings the full problem to Esme as a shared challenge: “It’s my job to make sure you’re not addicted to your phone. I don’t want to nag you. You don’t want to feel micromanaged. So what do we do together?” This frames it as a collaboration rather than a power dynamic.
Esme describes how it consistently plays out: “It’s never ‘you should’ or ‘why aren’t you.’ It’s ‘this is what I’m noticing — how are you feeling around it? Does it feel good to you?‘” More often than not, she arrives at the insight herself: “Oh my gosh, I hadn’t noticed that — what can we do together to change it?”
This approach treats the teenager as capable of participating in their own development, which sends the message: I trust your judgment, I respect your autonomy, and we’re on the same team.
Related Concepts
- Be available to your teenager, don’t chase them
- Name the problem without solving it
- Micromanaging comes from feeling out of control
- Managing someone communicates you don’t trust them
- Being raised with emotional depth can create loneliness
- Your relationship with yourself shapes your relationship with your children
- Kids need to feel liked by their parents, not just loved