Joe argues that a parent who gets it perfect but never models repair may actually be less helpful than one who messes up and shows how to own it. When he shamed his daughters, he would immediately apologize: “That’s not how I want to be with you.” This taught them that humans make mistakes, that mistakes can be loved, and that owning them is how we grow.
He shares a powerful story: when his teenage daughter was struggling with an attachment issue in a relationship, he told her directly, “That’s not his fault, that’s not your fault—that’s me. I taught you that attachment thing when you were a kid, and I am so sorry.” They cried together, and the pattern dissolved. That single moment of honest repair was all that was needed.
“If you get it perfect and you never make repair, I don’t think that’s as good for a kid as messing up and making repair—showing them how that’s done, showing them that we’re all human and that we get to love our mistakes.”
The implication is profound: perfectionism in parenting (or anywhere) denies others the model they most need—how to handle imperfection with grace and accountability.
Related Concepts
- Shame never changes the behavior it targets
- Vulnerability produces love, not rejection
- Perfectionism originates as a childhood safety strategy
- To not harm your children, love yourself
- Your relationship with yourself shapes your relationship with your children