Joe issues a direct challenge to parents who believe in shame as a tool: “Notice that everything you shame your kid for hasn’t changed. It doesn’t change. You shame your kid for something, I guarantee they’ll be 16 years old still doing it.”
He also notes the internal evidence: nobody feels good about shaming their child. “I’ve never met somebody who’s shaming their kid and then they’re like, ‘I feel great about that.‘” The shame doesn’t work on the child’s behavior, and it doesn’t feel good to the parent either—it fails on both ends.
The alternative—connection-based parenting—is framed not as the expensive organic option but as the cheaper one: an early investment that compounds. Joe has great relationships with his teenagers, no typical teenage drama, and his college-age daughter seeks alone time with him. The upfront investment in connection pays off exponentially.
“Notice that everything you shame your kid for hasn’t changed. It doesn’t change.”
Related Concepts
- Shame creates the behaviors it punishes
- Shame stagnates behavior
- Repair is as important as getting it right
- Shame locks in the very habits it punishes
- To not harm your children, love yourself