You never have to put up with anybody’s anger — not a boss, a partner, or a parent. Joe says simply knowing this gives you an empowerment that’s essential, because as long as you’re scared of someone’s anger you’re pulling away from them, which makes them feel more alone and more enraged. Drawing a boundary breaks that cycle.
But the way you draw it matters. The crucial detail is that the boundary includes a return.
“I’m not abandoning you. I’m here for you. I’m just not willing to be yelled at. That’s it. Like I’m here for you. I love you. I’m just not willing to be yelled at.”
If you leave open-endedly, the angry person — already feeling abandoned and alone — feels it even more. So you say, “If you’re going to be angry, I’m going to leave. Happy to come back in 20 minutes and we can talk when you’re not yelling at me,” and then you actually come back. They may still feel abandoned the first few times, but the return teaches them two things: the anger doesn’t work to control you, and you’re not leaving them. From that empowered, non-victim place, you then have a real choice about whether to step toward their anger.
Related Concepts
- Anger is an act of vulnerability and a bid for engagement
- Empowerment is love without submission or fight
- You can’t love someone you see as your oppressor
- Don’t do emotions at people
- Resentment is repressed anger at an undrawn boundary
- Weaponized boundaries are control in disguise
- Expressing anger at someone without permission is a bid for control