Underneath anger, Joe says, is usually a person who feels out of control, scared, and very alone. The anger is an attempt to get some control back — and, surprisingly, a bid for connection. If you ask someone what they actually want when they’re angry, they’ll often say engagement: they want you to be with them in it, the same way someone wants company in sadness or fear.
“That anger is this act of vulnerability.”
Joe shares the turning point in his own relationship with anger. At a therapist’s office, his wife said, “His anger is just his vulnerability. It means that he feels out of control and he’s scared.” That reframe gave him compassion for himself for the first time — and in that compassion, the anger began to dissipate. The same thing happened with the Silicon Valley narcissist whose yelling stopped once someone met him with compassion instead of withdrawal.
“It gave me compassion for myself for the first time and in that compassion my anger started to dissipate.”
Seeing anger as vulnerability rather than aggression changes everything about how you can respond: you can step toward the scared, lonely person underneath rather than away from the bad guy on the surface.
Related Concepts
- Someone’s anger at you is not evidence you did something wrong
- Anger unresisted becomes determination and clarity
- Rage can be the gateway to healing
- You can’t love someone you see as your oppressor
- Expressing anger at someone without permission is a bid for control
- Resentment is repressed anger at an undrawn boundary
- Draw a boundary that includes coming back so they don’t feel abandoned
- Anger repression gets installed through three childhood pathways