To stay present with someone’s anger rather than be controlled by it, Joe says you have to stop seeing them as the bad guy — and that requires refusing to cast yourself as the victim. The two roles are bound together: as long as they’re oppressing you, you can’t love them, because it’s nearly impossible to love anything that feels like an oppressor.
“To really see them not as the bad guy, which means you have to see yourself not as the victim.”
This is also where taking on the emotion happens. Joe notes that the person who’s scared of anger is often very empathic — they’re literally feeling the angry person’s fear and mistaking it for their own. The shift is to recognize what’s happening: “Oh, they feel out of control; they’re scared,” rather than “I’ve done something wrong; I’m in danger.” From there you can open your heart and be with them in their anger — “I see you, I see that there’s something really important, I see that you feel alone, and I’m here to be with you” — which can dissipate the anger completely. None of this is an obligation; it has to be a choice you feel completely empowered to make, with the boundary always available.
“It’s really hard to love anything that you feel like oppresses you.”
Related Concepts
- Someone’s anger at you is not evidence you did something wrong
- Anger is an act of vulnerability and a bid for engagement
- Empowerment is love without submission or fight
- Draw a boundary that includes coming back so they don’t feel abandoned
- Expressing anger at someone without permission is a bid for control
- Don’t do emotions at people
- You must love your own anger to stop fearing others’ anger