Summary
Joe addresses a common difficulty: when someone gets angry at you, you feel you must have done something wrong. He opens with a story of a woman he coached who dealt with a famous Silicon Valley narcissist who yelled at her team every two weeks. Instead of bracing, she stepped toward him — acknowledging his vision, asking him not to yell so the team could help him more effectively. He stopped yelling at her team, and their relationship became so good he later joined the board of her next company. The reason: for the first time, he felt safe with her.
Joe breaks down the two reactions that make anger frightening. First, the childhood logic that “if they’re angry at me, I must have done something wrong” — because the alternative, that the parent is unsafe, is unbearable for a child. Second, a nervous-system sense of physical danger even when none exists (and if there is real danger, Joe is clear: leave, call the cops). On the other side, the angry person is usually scared, feeling out of control and alone; their anger is an act of vulnerability and a bid for engagement, not a verdict on you.
The path through has two parts. First, get good with your own anger — like the woman who yelled in her car for ten minutes on her commute until anger stopped being scary — because until you can love your own anger you’ll always fear others’. Second, with the other person, you can always draw a boundary (and should, returning in 20 minutes so they don’t feel abandoned), and from that empowered place you can choose to step toward their anger, see the fear and aloneness underneath, and stop taking it on. To do that you have to stop seeing them as the oppressor, which means refusing to see yourself as the victim.
Key Concepts
- Someone’s anger at you is not evidence you did something wrong
- Anger is an act of vulnerability and a bid for engagement
- You must love your own anger to stop fearing others’ anger
- Draw a boundary that includes coming back so they don’t feel abandoned
- You can’t love someone you see as your oppressor
Key Quotes
“If they’re angry at me, I must have done something wrong. It’s not logical, but it’s how we were taught.”
“That anger is this act of vulnerability.”
“Until you really understand your own anger and remove your own anger you’re always going to be scared of other people’s anger.”
“I’m here for you. I love you. I’m just not willing to be yelled at.”
“To really see them not as the bad guy, which means you have to see yourself not as the victim.”
Transcript
I work with a lot of people who have a problem if somebody gets angry at them. They feel like this is something that’s really hard to overcome and that working with somebody who gets angry is a really challenging thing, but it’s really not. It’s actually quite simple. Once you really understand what’s going on for the person who is getting angry and when you understand what’s going on for you. So, let me start with a story. It’s a really great story about a woman that I knew who was in Silicon Valley. I was coaching her and she was dealing with one of the most famous Silicon Valley narcissists. And every 2 weeks her team would meet with this guy and this guy would just yell at the team. Yeah, you’re screwing up. You’re up. Just yelling, screaming at people and every 2 weeks this would happen. And she was scared of it and she felt like she was doing something wrong. And one day she walked in and she said, “Hey, I see that what you’re pointing at is really important. I see your vision and I see how important it is for us to listen to you and for us to help you get that vision across. However, when you yell at us, it makes it harder for us to help you. So, if you could please not yell at us so that we can be more effective, I’d appreciate it.” And he stopped yelling at her. He yelled at the other teams, but he stopped yelling at her team. And so, for the next year they worked together, there was no yelling that happened and then she left to start another company and he actually agreed to be on the board of that company. So, their relationship got very good very quickly. And it’s because he felt safe with her for the first time. So, let me explain to you how that formula works. The first part is how you’re taking somebody’s anger. Typically, if you’re scared of somebody’s anger, two things happen. The first thing is, I’ve done something wrong. If I If they’re angry at me, I must have done something wrong. It’s not logical, but it’s how we were taught. So, most of the time as kids, if your parents got angry at you, the assumption is I I’ve done something wrong cuz the alternative is that my parents are crazy and I I have no one to take care of me. So, as a kid, you can’t think that. So, you think I’ve done something wrong. The second thing that’s happening when they get angry at you is you might not feel safe. Oh my gosh, I’m I’m in danger. Even when you know you’re not in danger, you’re like, “Oh gosh, well, like I’m going to be something’s going to happen to me. I’m going to die.” Like that kind of thing, even though you know that’s not true. If you actually think it is true that you could get physically in trouble, leave. Call the cops. Not okay. Not okay for you to get hit. Not okay for you to think that you’re physically in jeopardy. That’s just absolutely not okay. So, just leave. Call the cops. Do whatever you have to do to protect yourself. But most of the time when somebody’s getting angry, it’s not physically like we’re not in physical danger. So, it’s really good to like understand that that’s what’s happening in your nervous system and that’s creating the reaction the person who’s getting angry. So, for the person who’s getting angry, typically what’s going on is I feel out of control. I feel scared. I don’t know what to do. So, I’m going to get angry because I feel completely out of control and I need to get some sort of control and I feel really really alone. And now you are running away from me. You are not able to talk to me. You are feeling like you’ve done something wrong. Like you’re breaking the connection. And it’s weird to know this, but most of the time if you talk to somebody who gets angry and you say, “Well, when you get angry, what do you want?” They’re like, “Oh, I want engagement. I want you to like be with me in that anger. Just the way I want to someone to be with me if I’m sad or I want someone to be with me if I’m scared. That anger is this act of vulnerability. And I remember I I used to get angry a lot and I remember one of the big things that changed the way that that I handled my own anger was one day my wife and I were at a therapist and she said, “Oh, his anger is just his vulnerability. It means that he feels out of control and he’s scared.” And I went, “Woah.” And it changed that relationship with me because all of a sudden I saw for the first time like, “Oh, this is I’m angry and I’ve always thought I’m a bad guy for being angry.” Which most people get angry think. They’re like, “Oh, I’m a bad guy for doing this. Why can’t I stop doing this?” It gave me compassion for myself for the first time and in that compassion my anger started to dissipate. Just like my friend in Silicon Valley who talked to the narcissist was just like gave compassion and then the anger just started to dissipate. So, it’s really important to know what’s going on for the person who’s getting angry and to speak to that directly. But before you can do that, that feeling of I’ve done something wrong and I’m not safe has to go away. And the best way to do that is to really get in touch with your own anger. Now, we have other videos on anger and you can click the link below to find those videos. But until you really understand your own anger and remove your own anger you’re always going to be scared of other people’s anger. An example of this is the woman that I worked with to get good with the anger. She would drive home every day on her commute and she would yell for like 10 or 15 minutes a day just getting all of her anger out so that the anger stopped being scary. It stopped being something that was a way to control somebody or be controlled. It just became, “Oh, this is an energy that’s moving and I can actually accept it.” And as she learned to love her own anger, she could learn to love this man’s anger. She could see the out of controlness in it. So, that’s the most important first step for you. Now, as far as working with the other person first of all, you can absolutely draw a boundary. And always it’s really important to know that you You always draw a boundary. You don’t have to put up with anybody’s anger. It doesn’t matter if it’s a boss or if it’s a a lover or a husband or a mother, you don’t ever have to put up with anybody’s anger. And to know that gives you an empowerment that’s really important. Because as long as you’re scared of the anger, then you’re pulling away from the person who’s angry. You’re you’re you’re removing yourself and then they feel more alone and then they get more mad. Right? So, drawing a boundary is the most important thing that you need to know that you can do. And that’s just simple like, “Oh, hey, if you’re going to be angry, I’m going to leave. Happy to come back in 20 minutes and we can talk when you’re not yelling at me. It’s just like super simple. The thing about it that’s really important is that you’re saying, “Oh, I’m going to be back in 20 minutes.” Because otherwise they’re going to feel even more abandoned and even more alone. They probably will anyways the first couple times you draw that boundary, but you come back in 20 minutes, you show them, “Hey, I’m not abandoning you. I’m here for you. I’m just not willing to be yelled at. That’s it. Like I’m here for you. I love you. I’m just not willing to be yelled at.” And that teaches them that the anger doesn’t work and it allows you to feel empowered to say, “Oh, yeah, great. I don’t have to put up with this anger.” Then you have a choice. A choice to say, “Oh, I can be with your anger. Okay, you’re getting angry. I can be with that.” And in being with that, what I’m going to do is I’m going to step in. I’m not going to step away. Just like my friend did, she said, “Oh, hey, I want to be here with you. I care about your vision. I know something’s really important to you. I see you. It’s okay, you’re not alone. I see that you’re scared and you’re not alone.” Now, typically you don’t want to say, “I see that you’re scared.” “I’m not scared.” Just like it’s going to be the immediate reaction. But the a heart is open and you’re seeing it and you’re saying, “Oh, I see that there’s something that’s really important and I really want to understand it. Like can we like settle down so we can really talk about this and and I can really understand and see you and hear you because that’s what somebody wants. The same way they want it if they’re crying, the same way they want it if they’re scared. Anger has been turned into this bad guy of the emotions, but it’s something that we all feel. It’s something that we’re all in and if we don’t feel controlled by it, it’s not a bad guy. Right? We can feel controlled by anger and that’s the most likely one, but we can also be controlled by sadness. Oh, I got to make sure they they don’t get sad or fear. How many times has somebody gotten really scared and they’re just like handing you their fear? Like, you have to be scared cuz I’m scared. Right? All of it can be can be incredibly toxic, but not if you don’t take it on. And that’s the thing is like, you aren’t taking on their anger. You’re actually saying, “Oh, I see you. I see that there’s something really important. I see that you feel alone and I’m here to be with you in that process.” And that can dissipate the anger completely. To do that, you really have to see them not as the bad guy, which means you have to see yourself not as the victim. Right? They can’t be the person who’s oppressing you. It’s really hard to love anything that you feel like oppresses you. So, to really turn that moment of like, I’ve done something wrong into, “Oh, they feel out of control. I’m scared for myself into they’re scared.” And typically the person who’s scared of the anger is very empathic, so they’re actually feeling the anger the person who’s getting angry is fear and they’re thinking it’s theirs. But you see have this moment where you just recognize you’re like, “Oh, that’s what’s happening.” You can open up your heart and you can be there for them in their anger. Not that you have to. Not that you need to. It’s got to be a choice that you feel completely empowered to make. And if you you then you just draw the boundary. So, if you’re really interested in investigating your anger, we do have two courses where we get deeply into anger. One is the decisions course and one is master class. And then we do each of those once a year and you’ll get to really go deeply into anger in both of those courses. So, if you’re interested in that, that’s a great way to explore. There’s other ways to explore. Most importantly, it’s just how do you fall in love with your own anger and not see it as an oppressor?