Joe identifies three general ways anger gets repressed in childhood. First, you witnessed someone — a parent, sibling, caretaker — whose anger was destructive, manipulative, and directed at you. You vowed to never do that to anyone, and so shut down all anger. Second, anger was simply never allowed in the house — expressing it meant love was withdrawn. In this case you learned anger equals rejection. Third, anger was the way you got engagement and connection — “I got the most engagement from my family when I was angry” — and so anger became fused with seeking love, coming out kinked and at people.
Each pathway creates a different pattern. The first creates freeze/flight responses. The second creates passive aggression (the anger has to go somewhere, so it goes sideways). The third creates explosive anger directed at others. And in relationships, these different patterns interlock: one partner’s explosion triggers the other’s freeze, and both feel abandoned.
“For somebody who’s in that side of things — if you’re angry at someone and they freeze or check out, you’re like ‘you’re abandoning me, why are you abandoning me?’ And the person on the other side is like ‘why are you abandoning me by attacking me?’ Both of them feel trapped. Both of them feel abandoned.”
Related Concepts
- Three forms of repressed anger
- Passive aggression develops when anger is forbidden
- Fear of anger drives conflict avoidance
- Moving anger is the fastest way out of stuckness
- Unresisted anger is love expressing a clear boundary
- Repressed anger kinks into depression, self-criticism, and rage
- Resentment is repressed anger at an undrawn boundary