Harry wants a particular person’s validation, and his fear of her judgment is what stops him from approaching. Joe shows him the loop is impossible to win from the outside: if you aren’t already validating yourself, no quantity of approval from anyone else will land. The need will simply persist no matter how much approval arrives.
“There’s no amount of validation that she’s going to give you that’s going to work if you’re not giving the validation to yourself.”
The reason is that external validation can only confirm what you already believe about yourself. When Harry is present and acting from himself, he doesn’t need anyone’s approval — and tellingly, that’s exactly when he stops caring whether people are judging him. On the call, surrounded by people who could be judging him, it “doesn’t count,” because he’s giving himself the validation by being fully himself. The self-validation comes first; everything else is downstream of it.
“Right now you’re being intimate with a whole bunch of people because you know you’re winning.”
Related Concepts
- Not doing the thing you want tells yourself you’re not worthy
- We push away the approval we seek
- Unfelt emotions drive you out of yourself and into others’ opinions
- The constant self-editing is a form of self-judgment
- Chasing approval separates you from yourself
- Seeking approval pushes away the very connection you want
- Self-possession is what people are actually attracted to