Summary
In this coaching session, Joe works with Harry, who wants to be intimate and own his desire for connection with “normal people” he’s afraid will judge him — particularly a woman he might want to approach. Harry can be emotional and open on the call, where he feels he’s “winning,” but freezes around the people whose validation he actually wants. Joe reveals the trap: not approaching the woman is itself a statement about his own worth. No amount of validation from her will land if he isn’t already validating himself by acting from his own natural flow.
The core move is recognizing that the self-editing — the constant question of whether people like him, the calculation of how to express himself so it “sounds good” — is a form of self-judgment. Harry keeps catching himself shutting down his own emotional expression with a smile, and Joe names this as judgment in real time. The way through isn’t to figure out the general rule for when to feel; it’s simply to feel when he can feel it, and enjoy it.
Joe reframes Harry’s discomfort as grief. As Harry questions the lifelong habit of self-editing, he’s beginning to mourn it — and mourning a death is intense and comes in waves. Joe tells him not to try to fix or analyze it, but to let the waves move, including by accessing the feeling at home when it’s too much at school. The session closes on a simple instruction: be grateful every time you notice a moment of not judging yourself, and that gratitude makes the whole transformation more efficient.
Key Concepts
- Not doing the thing you want tells yourself you’re not worthy
- No amount of external validation works if you won’t validate yourself
- The constant self-editing is a form of self-judgment
- Releasing lifelong self-judgment requires grieving it
- Gratitude for moments of presence makes change more efficient
Key Quotes
“There’s definitely people judging you right now, bro. Definitely. For some reason, it doesn’t count.”
“When you don’t approach the woman, you’re saying, ‘I’m not worthy of this.’ And so there’s no amount of validation that she’s going to give you that’s going to work if you’re not giving the validation to yourself.”
“I’m not judging you. That’s all you in your head.”
“What’s occurring is that you’re starting this grieving process of the constant self-editing… And every time you notice you’re doing it, the grief starts popping up. And it’s like mourning a death.”
“You don’t ever need to figure those things out. Just feel it when you can feel it. Enjoy it.”
“The trick is to be grateful every time you recognize one of those moments… just being grateful for those moments will make the whole thing be more efficient.”
Transcript
How can my head and my gut be friends? And another version of the question is how can I be intimate and own my desire for connection with normal people who I’m afraid will judge me. Yeah. There’s also something about pleasure and what were the two words you used in the thing you said pleasure and intensity. What was it? Oh. Another version of the question is how can I be with my tension? How can I be intimate with my tension? Yeah. What I notice right now is that you’re being intimate with everybody on the call. You’re like on the edge of tears. You’re emotional. So, how are you doing it right now? Or how were you doing it a couple minutes ago? Um, but I would say that for some reason there’s enough space in my head to allow my gut to reveal itself. What’s the reason? Um, the reason before this conversation started was that this is an extraordinarily safe environment. If I check the reason right now, there’s definitely people judging you right now, bro. Definitely. For some reason, it doesn’t count. Yeah. So, what’s that reason? Let’s That’s the question. What makes it that here you don’t care if somebody judges you, but you want to date a woman and you care if she judges you? Uh, another answer that comes up is like, I know I’m winning right now. What does that mean exactly? You know, you’re winning. I know I’m doing the thing I want to do. And there’s like No, that’s that’s the thing. That’s That’s what you’re looking for. So, there’s a woman. You want to go up and approach her. Let’s say I don’t know. I don’t know if young people do that anymore or do they just like tag them on an app or something, but let’s assume that there’s a woman in your life that you want to go and approach and you don’t. What have you just told yourself about yourself? Like what would I say to myself? No. What did you do? What does that action communicate to yourself about yourself? No. Yeah, you got it. You got it. Just let that sit for a second. [laughter] Yeah. What are you saying to yourself about yourself if you don’t approach the woman? Uh, I didn’t want to. No, no, you’re now you’re with me. Oh, I I actually I truly thought that was the answer. Okay. Okay. So, it I said you wanted to reach out to the woman and you didn’t. Hm. What is it you’re saying about yourself to yourself by not reaching out to the woman that you know you want to reach out to? Oh, I’m kind of confused, but I’m going to say like I’m scared and like I don’t feel ready. And what makes it that you’re scared and don’t feel ready? In that moment, what would be the thing about yourself that makes you scared and not feel ready to approach somebody that you want to approach? Um, again, I’m confused, but it’s like my gut and it’s like nah. It’s like it’s just like I mean I guess it’s kind of like I don’t want to cry when I’m approaching a woman I’m attracted to. That’s one way to put it. Yeah. Yeah. So what I’m hearing on some level is that there’s something about me that I don’t like that I don’t want to show to this woman. For sure. Right. So you’re saying that you’re like on some level you’re not validating who you are in that moment by not approaching. You’re not winning. Right. Right now you’re being intimate with a whole bunch of people because you know you’re winning. You’re winning because you’re doing the thing that’s important to you. And in that you’re validating yourself. I know this is a brain twister, right? But in the action that you’re standing up, that you’re doing this, that you’re being fully here and present with all of us right now, you’re standing in yourself and saying, “I am worthy of this.” And when you don’t approach the woman, you’re saying, “I’m not worthy of this.” And so there’s no amount of validation that she’s going to give you that’s going to work if you’re not giving the validation to yourself. My current guess at giving validation myself is not blocking the natural flow of myself. That’s right. Okay. So, what’s your question? Well, then I guess it’s how can I not block the natural flow of myself when I’m I don’t know if it’s when I’m scared I’m going to be judged or if it’s when I really really want someone’s validation. Both I don’t know what the general form of that is, but that what’s your guess? If you really want someone’s validation, what’s what what given what we just explored, what’s your guess on the first answer is like let myself cry. I was at this venture capital meeting at some point and I was going through somewhat similar stuff that you were going through and I um and I was just like, I’m not holding back my tears anymore. I was crying in this venture capital meeting. Yeah, because that’s I mean that’s I I since I literally asked the question, I’ve started doing this at work at least like with my boss and the main other person I work with and it’s basically just letting myself cry. So, just to explain, tell us tell me how that how this allows you to feel the pleasure of life and the intensity of life. Look at that smile. Oh, it’s like it’s like Yeah. I’m not judging you. That’s all you in your head. It’s Yeah. I wasn’t aware I was judging myself in that moment, but it makes sense intellectually. What made you what made you what was your experience of stopping the tears? It was that was intellectual confusion. It’s like how am I judging myself? Okay. No, before that. There you just did it again, but with a smile. Like if you go go back and watch the video, what you’ll notice is you’ll have an emotional expression and you I think it’s I think it’s if I had to guess, I would guess it’s a seeking validation thing because there’s like there’s like seeing the thing Yeah, it’s like seeing the thing and then it’s like how am I going to express this to you and everyone in the way that sounds good and the way that they’ll understand? How is that not judgment? [laughter] because I’ve never not seen it be there. I can’t. Yeah, it feels like I can’t uh feels like I can’t see that. That’s like the tension thing, I think. And it feels like I can’t be conscious and aware and present and be with that at the same time. But obviously, I’m doing it now. Thank you. Now you can do my job for me, too. You just did. Yeah. So it’s so just that intellectually what’s happening in your system right now is you’re you’re you have this from the work that you’ve been doing and you’ve been doing it intensely now for as long as I’ve known you. What’s occurring is that you’re starting this grieving process of the constant self-editing. You’re starting the grieving process of questioning whether people like you, the self-judgment, whatever you want to call the thing. And every time you notice you’re doing it, the grief starts popping up. And it’s like mourning a death. It’s there’s going to it’s going to be intense for a bit. You’re going to have big rides, but the waves will start doing this. And pretty soon, you’ll be able to hang out, touch that part of you, and not immediately start grieving it. But you don’t get there without grieving it, without go doing the waves. I understand like I remember some of the stories of like your childhood and that constant questioning came externally as much as it came are you okay? Okay. I work at a school. I think there’s kids who are concerned about me. Oh, that’s I can tell and I tell them to go away really quick. You can tell them to even just come and like cuddle up next to you. I don’t know what kind of school it is. No, not that kind of school. Yeah, then you should probably like the the one kid who like makes fun of me the most. Um that’s great. Yeah, he’s helpful. Yes. Yeah, I’m present again. Okay. [laughter] Yeah. So that’s the So intellectually that’s the morning that needs to be done. It’s going to be big and it’s going to take a while. And if you feel really uncomfortable doing it in schools, then do it some, you know, just like access what you’re accessing here. That brings up the grief at home. Do it a couple hours, whatever. Like just let that that move. That’s the important piece. Cool. I think like and that is the intimacy with yourself. That is the connection with yourself. And as soon as I asked you where’s the pleasure your be like what happened what what experience happened in your body in that moment? Like how does this relate to pleasure? The thing that comes up there is just like it’s obvious the ways in which I’m beautiful. And it’s like what am I doing? Yeah. Which is everything you just said. Yeah. Yeah. It is really obvious that you’re beautiful. What are we dealing with with the whole thing? I know. Um I think my last question is like um there’s something it’s kind of the same pattern, but it’s like I’m going to say things. Maybe the question is how do I feel it with in the presence of other people? Maybe the question is, “How do I feel it when I’m alone?” Um, that’s all just taking you away from the feeling. Those are all questions that are just You don’t ever need to figure those things out. Just feel it when you can feel it. Enjoy it. Okay. Last question. Um, yep. Last question. Last question. Last question. Well, it’s weird because it’s about myself, but it’s like when do I experience not judging myself and being conscious other than like in this conversation? Like when have I experienced that if ever? Like is there a time you would guess that I’ve already experienced that or is that actually like not since I was like four? When have you had a moment in the conversation when you’re not judging yourself and feel present? Uh, it happened about two minutes ago. Cool. Right after like if you’re watching the film back, it’s right after that moment. I said you keep on shutting it down. There’s a there was like a moment there. No, I totally felt that. And I Yeah, the the the trick is to be grateful every time you recognize one of those moments. If as far as efficiency goes, just being grateful for those moments will make the whole thing be more efficient. Yeah. Yeah. So take do it for a moment like you had that moment and feel grateful that there was this moment where you let yourself be you without the chain of the consistent editor. Pleasure, Harry. Good to see you, man. It’s nice to see all the changes in your world, man. You look great. Thank you. Thanks for watching the video. And if you’re interested in this level of conversation, you don’t have to wait for me or wait for a coaching session. It’s something that happens all the time in our connection course. So, if you’re interested in something like that, you can just click on the link below.