The mechanism behind approval-seeking is simple: there’s an emotion you don’t want to feel, so you can’t stay in yourself, so you go “be in” the other person—managing their perception of you instead of being present with your own experience.
“There’s an emotion I don’t want to feel so I can’t be in myself so I’m going to go be in them and now I care what they think.”
Putting someone above you is a protection strategy. If they’re “better” than you, you don’t have to listen to your own emotional experience—you just have to figure out what will make them happy. It’s an elegant avoidance mechanism.
The antidote is direct: every time you notice approval-seeking, feel the emotion you’re avoiding. Even two or three seconds of actually feeling it begins to shift the pattern. Over time, you start paying attention to your own truth rather than others’ opinions.
Related Concepts
- Seeking approval pushes people away
- Self-judgment defends against emotions
- Presence is pleasure
- Speaking your truth dissolves the need for external approval