Joe demonstrates a remarkable move in this coaching session: he asks “what’s wrong with you?” — not to find an answer, but to reveal that when you feel into it rather than think about it, nothing is wrong. The woman can write a book about what’s wrong with her when she thinks, but when she feels into the truth, “nothing’s wrong with me.”
The same applies to shame itself. When she simply asks “what’s wrong with you?” and feels into the shame rather than trying to fix, release, or work through it, the shame dissipates on its own. Joe compares it to his daughter’s monsters under the bed — they just want hugs.
“Shame is your monster. It’s as real as the monster under my daughter’s bed. And you just learned how to hug it.”
Even “I’ve worked through so much shame” is part of the shame pattern — it assumes there’s something wrong that needs working through. The trying itself reinforces the belief in brokenness. Simply existing with shame, without agenda, dissolves it.
Related Concepts
- Love is the antidote to shame
- Shame creates the behaviors it punishes
- The story of brokenness is the problem
- Welcoming, not just accepting emotions
- Being loved within the shame dissolves it
- Welcome shame rather than pushing through it
- Shame is a signal of disconnection, not a problem to solve
- Shame is love in disguise—it shows you care
- Social anxiety is hiding from a shame that has no actual content