In a brief coaching session, Joe asks a man with deep social anxiety a devastating question: “What’s wrong with you? What is it that I’m going to see that I’m going to think is bad?” The man answers: “I don’t know.” Joe points out that this “I don’t know” is itself the answer — he’s been hiding from something shameful that he can’t even identify, because it doesn’t actually exist.
“So what’s wrong with you? What is it that we’re going to find out when we see you that’s shameful? You don’t need to find an answer. Just keep going there for a minute.”
Joe guides him to stay in the not-knowing rather than rushing to an intellectual answer. Grief surfaces — the grief of recognizing he’s been organizing his entire relational life around hiding a defect that isn’t there. He’s been putting on masks or running away from people, convinced that being seen would reveal something terrible. But when asked to look for what’s terrible, there’s nothing to find.
The man says he “sits on this all the time” and knows he’s ignoring it. Joe reframes: “You’re anxious because you’re scared this is going to pop out, but this is beautiful.” The anxiety isn’t protecting him from exposure — it’s preventing him from discovering that the thing he’s hiding from is empty.
Related Concepts
- Shame outlines identity
- Connection dissolves shame
- Hiding makes you feel more like an imposter
- What you’re hiding is your emotions, not a defect
- Shame dissolves when felt, not fought
- Shame about anxiety creates more anxiety
- False humility is a defense against being seen