Summary
In this short coaching session from a public Q&A, a man presents with deep social anxiety, particularly in relationships. Joe quickly identifies that the core issue is a fear of being seen, rooted in a belief that there’s something fundamentally wrong with him — a belief he can’t even articulate. When Joe asks “what’s wrong with you?” the man can’t find an answer, which itself is the revelation.
Joe guides him to stay in the unknown rather than rushing to an intellectual answer. Grief surfaces as the man begins to recognize he’s been carrying shame about something that doesn’t actually exist. When the man starts crying, Joe asks the audience to raise hands if they’re comfortable with his tears — demonstrating that the very thing he’s been hiding (his emotions) is welcomed by others. The man realizes in real time that he’s not actually anxious about being seen right now, and that what he’s been hiding is his emotions themselves.
Key Concepts
- Social anxiety is hiding from a shame that has no actual content
- What you’re hiding is your emotions, not a defect
Key Quotes
“So, what’s wrong with you? What is it that we’re going to find out when we see you that’s shameful? You don’t need to find an answer. Just keep going there for a minute.”
“You’re anxious because you’re scared this is going to pop out, but this is beautiful.”
“Hey, you having any problem being seen right now? No.”
“What you’re hiding is — Oh, my emotions.”
Transcript
So, what’s wrong with you? What is it that we’re going to find out when we see you that’s shameful? You don’t need to find an answer. Just keep going there for a minute. In this coaching session that happens in one of our public Q&A’s, the man shows up with deep social anxiety and he ends up discovering the source of that anxiety on an emotional level and how to see through it. We haven’t worked together, have we? No. Good. Great. Oh, shit I can go somewhere else. You want me to go somewhere else? Oh my god. Oh, I’m so — Oh shit I didn’t expect — Oh, shit I did not expect to get called. Oh. Um, wow. So, I have a lot of questions. I feel like they’re all kind of the same question. Great. So, I’ll just choose one that feels particularly clear. Great. When I’m in a relationship, I get super super anxious very quickly. Yeah. Just like right now. Yeah. Well, in yeah, in a way. And I don’t know why that happens or what to do about it. So, let’s just talk about how it happened right now. So, what’s happening right now is you’re being seen. How is that working for you? Uh, I definitely I don’t like being seen. I like to hide myself. I do this all the time. Like all of my — I’m either putting on a mask or I’m just running away from people. Yeah. Great. So that’s the reason. So what’s the question? It doesn’t feel like an answer. I don’t know. It like I get anxious because I don’t want to be seen. What’s the missing piece? I guess there’s also this aspect of like shame or like beating myself up or like grumbling at someone’s feet in a relationship. Yeah. So that right. So you don’t want to be seen because you think there’s something wrong with you. Yeah. So what’s wrong with you? What is it that I’m going to see that I’m going to think is that’s bad? I don’t know. Right. Isn’t that weird? Yeah. So, you started going down like I don’t know how else to describe this, but you started going down and then you answered my question. Don’t just keep going down for a minute. You mean like looking down or — I don’t know what it was. It was like you started sinking down into yourself when you looked for what was wrong with you and you said I don’t know. Like so you kind of went into this I don’t know and then you answered but you didn’t keep exploring the I don’t know. So what’s wrong with you? What is it that we’re going to find out when we see you that’s shameful? You don’t need to find an answer. Just keep going there for a minute. Yeah. So that was grief. Is that the grief of recognition that you’ve been thinking there’s something wrong with you and there isn’t? Or is that the grief of recognition? I don’t know. I don’t have an answer. Okay, great. I’ve — Yeah. No, I’m sitting on this all the time and I know that I am and I’m ignoring it. I don’t know where it is. Yeah, that’s your deepest answer to your question. You’re anxious because you’re scared this is going to pop out, but this is beautiful. Let’s just find out. Now, I understand there’s going to be some people who are going to be like, “Dude, you’re crying. Can you get your shit together?” I get there’s people like that, but there’s also people who aren’t like that. So, as an example, everybody who has any — if you’re listening, will you please raise your hand if you have no problem being with his tears? Just raise your hand if you have no problem being with his tears. And you just scroll, dude. I guarantee you there’s like a hundred hands up right now. Yeah. Sorry to do that. That was a lot of digital hands came up. Yeah. I think something you just said kind of — I answered it maybe. Yeah. Yeah, I see it. Look, just don’t try to explain it. Let’s just ask the question which is like, hey, you having any problem being seen right now? No. Yeah. And what I’m hiding is — Oh, my emotions. No, go. What you’re hiding is what? Yeah. I’m not letting my emotions be seen. Yeah. Yeah. You’re so welcome. Pleasure.