Joe describes working with someone whose anxiety was immediately apparent — in the way she held herself, in her posture. When he identified it, her response was “How did you know? Did somebody tell you?” — shame-based, as if her anxiety was something to hide. “A lot of people have shame around their anxiety… and that of course only creates more anxiety.”
The person’s intellect was looking for threats, and the threat it found was “somebody recognizing my anxiety and me being rejected for it.” The anxiety about having anxiety becomes a self-reinforcing loop: the shame adds another layer of constriction on top of the original constriction, creating more of exactly what you’re ashamed of.
This is a specific instance of a broader pattern Joe identifies: trying to get rid of anxiety — whether through shame, figuring it out, or managing it — adds resistance to the already constricted life force. The attempt to solve the problem is the problem. The only way out is through: loving the anxiety rather than being ashamed of it.
Related Concepts
- Shame creates the behaviors it punishes
- Stress about stress doubles the stress
- Resistance creates the feared outcome
- Avoiding shame creates more shame through disconnection
- Shame is anger turned inward
- Social anxiety is hiding from a shame that has no actual content
- Shame is a signal of disconnection, not a problem to solve
- Shame arises after feeling good as a learned pattern