The second A is to apologize — but how you apologize determines whether it helps or hurts. Joe distinguishes the “upright” apology from the shame-laden one. An upright apology simply states: “I was doing this. This is not how I want to be anymore,” and acknowledges the impact on the other person. It’s empowered and brings a feeling of relief.
“It’s far better to apologize without any shame… There’s actually quite a really good feeling to apologize in an upright way. You’re just saying, ‘Oh, this isn’t how I want to be.’ It’s very empowering.”
A shame-laden apology does the opposite. When you apologize from “I’m bad, there’s something wrong with me,” you stay inside the identity of being a screw-up — and that identity is precisely what holds the old behavior in place.
“If you’re in shame, then it’s like, ‘Oh, I’m bad. There’s something wrong with me.’ And you’re still in the identity of that you’re a screw up… that’s just looping you right back into the old behavior.”
The upright apology also includes genuine acknowledgment of what the behavior was like on the receiving end — “I acknowledge that this was shitty for you” — which builds empathy without collapsing into self-flagellation. The key is to feel everything that comes with the apology while staying out of shame.
Related Concepts
- The four A’s change behavior after you’ve seen a pattern: announce, apologize, ask, act
- Shame never changes the behavior it targets
- Habitual apologies increase conflict
- An empowered apology is one of the most powerful tools for self-transformation
- An upright apology actually changes behavior
- Fully feeling a pattern ends it without figuring anything out
- Empathic acknowledgment is presence, not fixing
- Receiving apologies requires permeability without buying the story