In relationships, apologies often function as moves in a power struggle. The person who apologizes “loses” and the person who receives the apology “wins.” This is a weak surrogate for what’s actually wanted: feeling seen, acknowledged, and respected by someone who also respects themselves.
Joe points out that if both people in a fight felt genuinely seen and respected, there would be no fight. The fight only exists because someone doesn’t feel acknowledged. Extracting an apology provides a momentary sugar high of control — but it’s nothing compared to being with someone who sees themselves clearly and sees you clearly.
“It feels a ton better to be with somebody that they respect themselves and they respect you, they see themselves and they see you. Whereas if somebody’s respecting you but they’re cowering — it doesn’t feel great.”
The way out is to look for an empowered apology you can make mid-fight: “I’m sorry for being in a power struggle with you — that’s not how I want to be with you.” You can even apologize for the dynamic itself — playing victim, playing savior, projecting. This drops you out of the role entirely and often transforms the conversation.
Related Concepts
- Both people in a fight want to be seen
- An empowered apology is one of the most powerful tools for self-transformation
- Habitual apologies increase rather than prevent conflict