Somewhere in childhood love came packaged with grit — criticism, abuse, guilt-tripping — and whatever was paired with love became married to it. If you want to find your particular wiring, Joe offers a simple diagnostic: listen to the voice in your head. The way you talk to yourself is the way you were taught love works.
“If you’re constantly criticizing yourself in your head, then you know that’s what you were taught that love was, was criticism. If you’re abusing yourself, then that’s what you were taught. If you’re guilt-tripping yourself, that’s what you were taught love was.”
This makes negative self-talk more than a bad habit — it’s a record of how love was delivered. And because the way you were wired to receive love is the same way you now block it, your self-talk also points directly at how you push love away. The voice criticizing you is reproducing the conditions under which love once arrived, and recognizing that is the first step to separating love from the thing it was married to.
Related Concepts
- Whatever was wired with love feels like love, even when it isn’t
- Welcome the inner critic
- We push away love by chasing it, avoiding it, or fighting
- Draw a boundary to get love without the thing it was married to
- Love conditioning is somatic, not just intellectual
- Love yourself the way you always wanted to be loved