The way out of pushing love away is to stop blaming the person or circumstance and instead draw a boundary: ask for love without the grit it was married to in childhood. “I love you. I want your love, but I’m not willing to chase you for it. I want your love, but I’m not willing to be dominated for it.”
Joe tells the story of doing exactly this in his twenties. He called his parents and said he’d happily come over, but not to be criticized non-stop — so they’d need to stop. At the time it was one of the scariest things he’d ever done, because the only love he had ever known came with criticism, and he genuinely feared he might never be loved again.
“I won’t accept love in this variety anymore. I will only have love that comes without criticism.”
His parents didn’t call for a year and a half. Eventually they reconnected, and they were far better at not criticizing. In that process Joe learned the thing the boundary was really for: that love can exist without the grit. Once that’s known internally — once you no longer dominate, chase, or fight yourself for love — there’s nothing left to push away, because love is finally safe.
“It’s just possible for us to be loved simply, easily, without all the drama.”
Related Concepts
- Whatever was wired with love feels like love, even when it isn’t
- Criticism turns family relationships into obligation
- We fool ourselves by blaming the wrong person or circumstance
- We push away love by chasing it, avoiding it, or fighting
- Negative self-talk reveals how love was wired in childhood
- Chasing love signals that you don’t deserve it