Asked whether she wants to feel good or to love herself, the participant honestly chooses “feel good” — and Joe doesn’t correct her. Instead he has her keep doing the loving, hanging out with the painful part and giving it the love she wanted from her parents. Then he points to what just happened.
“What just happened is you hung out. You loved this aspect of yourself. Before you weren’t happy, now you’re happy.”
The good feeling she was chasing turns out to be a byproduct of loving the part of her that hurts — not something to pursue directly. This reframes the whole approach: you don’t have to manufacture happiness or fix the pain; you turn toward the worst-feeling part and love it the way you longed to be loved, and the happiness arrives on its own.
It’s also why “feel good” and “love yourself” stop being opposites. The participant wanted to feel good; loving herself was the mechanism that produced it. The aim isn’t to bypass or override the painful sensation but to bring genuine, patient love to it — and the felt result, in the moment, is happiness.
Related Concepts
- Love the part in pain the way you wanted your parents to love you
- The story of unhappiness hides the real happiness in the moment
- Self-love is somatic welcoming, not affirmation
- Enjoyment is the pace-keeper for how deep to feel
- Running from self-love is the pattern, not the problem