By the end of the clip, Shawn describes a deep, persistent urge to hurt someone — “the only thing that would make me happy is to literally cave in your skull.” Joe explains this as a textbook product of unprocessed trauma: I was hurt, so I want to hurt. But the human mind reasons that wanting to kill someone must mean you’re bad — and that’s where the cycle locks.
“And then that story perpetuates the whole thing. It makes the whole thing harder to process.”
Now there are two burdens, not one. The horrible feeling of wanting to hurt someone (itself a response to trauma), plus a “very good reason to tell yourself that you’re a bad person.” Everything becomes more evidence of badness — bad for being angry, bad for wanting revenge, bad for being weak. And that conclusion agrees with the original lie the abuse taught: that there was something wrong with you in the first place, that you deserved it.
The only way out is to let all the feelings be felt, so the urge to hurt loses its charge. The clip ends with the cost laid bare: Shawn says he doesn’t go out much, and when Theo offers “you can’t trust yourself,” he agrees. As Joe puts it, “You can’t feel like you can trust yourself if you think you’re bad.”
Related Concepts
- Abuse creates either the endurer or the perpetual victim
- Trauma controls you until you feel the hurt underneath it
- Self-compassion is the real outcome of healing
- Seeing parents’ terror dissolves resentment
- Loving the part in pain makes you happy in the moment
- The ancillary pain of not being seen must also be processed
- Shame is love in disguise—it shows you care