Joe describes two predominant responses to overwhelming abuse. One is the endurer: “You can’t hurt me. There’s nothing you can do.” The person becomes capable of withstanding anything, retreats into total self-reliance — “I cannot depend on people. I will depend on myself.” The other is the victim, who recreates the abuse again and again, repeatedly finding abusive relationships and situations. There can be blending, but usually one dominates.
Shawn, the UFC fighter, is clearly an endurer, and Joe reads it instantly — not from his physique but from how he answers. Asked if his father was violent, he doesn’t confirm the violence; he says “he’s just a coward.” The whole orientation is “you can’t even touch me.”
“I cannot depend on people. I will depend on myself. And no matter what you do, you can’t hurt me, which has a lot of benefits, but a lot of drawbacks over a time in life.”
The endurer pattern comes bundled with predictable traits: difficulty expressing wants and needs, an inability to ask for help, and a tendency to caretake or save others — because as a child, taking care of the abuser (in Shawn’s case, protecting his mother) was the job. The strength is real, but it’s built on never being able to depend on anyone.
Related Concepts
- Self-reliance is a defense against helplessness
- Self-reliance can be a form of intimacy avoidance
- Believing you’re bad perpetuates the trauma cycle
- Trauma controls you until you feel the hurt underneath it
- The endurer pattern survives by refusing to feel pain
- Don’t make hurt into weakness — witness the strength
- You must know you can leave to truly love