Joe states it plainly: there is no unconditional love without empowerment, and no real empowerment without unconditional love. You have to know you are empowered to leave to be able to love. Otherwise, as Brett puts it, you “fight like caged animals.”
This played out in Joe and Tara’s early relationship. Tara would say “I’m leaving” during fights, and Joe interpreted it as abandonment. But what she actually needed was to know she could leave — that she didn’t have to put up with it. Once she stopped putting up with it and saw she had that freedom, she could more and more show up for his anger and be herself.
“It’s really hard to love something that you think is oppressing you.”
The practical piece: if you need to leave during a fight to take care of yourself, always say when you’re coming back. Without that, the other person’s trauma registers “I’m out” as permanent abandonment. Say “I will be back” and how — that keeps the door open for healing rather than re-traumatizing.
Related Concepts
- Both partners must want better
- Every fight can bring you closer together
- Clean exits during conflict prevent abandonment wounds
- Dissolution of self is what love requires
- Surrender into love prevents self-betrayal
- Loving presence must be embodied, not performed
- Fights can become healing opportunities within relationships