Joe shares that after years of amazingly healing fights with Tara, a period of horrendous conflict returned with a vengeance for about six months. At the time he questioned everything — whether their marriage was over, whether he knew anything at all. For years afterward, he wished it hadn’t happened.
Only recently did he realize: that series of fights destroyed his narcissism. He had been subtly holding himself above Tara in ways he couldn’t see. After those fights, his brain literally could not compare himself to her anymore. He wells up talking about it — the peace and love that came from having that painful pattern removed.
“That was such a huge gift for me — to have that thing gone, that was so painful, to hold myself slightly above in even a subtle way.”
Brett recognized the same pattern: after a similar crisis in his relationship, he realized he’d been thinking he was “more calm and therefore better.” The relief when that fell away was immense for both partners. Sometimes what looks like the relationship falling apart is actually the next layer of growth — you just can’t see it until afterward.
Related Concepts
- Subtle superiority as protection
- Every fight can bring you closer together
- Heartbreak is expansion
- You must know you can leave to truly love