Joe describes the third major breakthrough in his marriage: dissolving the subtle above-and-below dynamic. Whenever either partner felt shame, they’d make themselves superior to the other as protection — becoming the martyr, the victim, or simply “the better one” in the moment.
Making yourself superior serves the same function as any defense: it protects from feeling something underneath. For Joe, it always points to shame, grief, anger, or some other unfelt emotion. Even taking the victim role is a form of superiority (“I’m the one being wronged”) that avoids owning one’s own empowerment, choice, and capacity.
In their latest marriage cycle, this pattern fully dissolved. Joe says it’s no longer possible for him to make himself better than Tara as protection — “it’s just way too fucking painful to do.” The pain of separation from the partner through superiority now outweighs whatever the superiority was protecting from.
Related Concepts
- Superiority and shame are paired
- Subtle superiority as protection
- Feeling logically superior in a fight means you’re avoiding an emotion
- Dropping shame is the prerequisite for seeing your partner