Summary
In this live coaching session, a young participant tells Joe she keeps getting overwhelmed by intense bodily sensations she can barely function around, says she hasn’t felt good in years, and asks what to do about her emotions. Joe has her throw away the Notion document she’s reading from and ask her question from her heart instead. Rather than trying to feel her whole body, he directs her to the single part that feels the worst, and to give that part exactly the love she would have wanted from her mom and dad — all the patience, not needing it to change.
The turning point comes when Joe asks whether she wants to feel good or to love herself, and she answers honestly that she wants to feel good. He affirms the honesty, and as she hangs out with the painful part and loves it, she becomes happy in the moment — directly contradicting her story that she’s an unhappy person. Joe exposes the gap between the persistent narrative (“I’m an unhappy person”) and the actual moment-to-moment experience, where happiness keeps showing up unnoticed because the overwhelm of unhappiness feels so loud.
He gives her two concepts for the road: when you start to love yourself, all the unloved parts come up to be loved (the cuttlefish example), and there’s no rush — she’ll be just as lovable in twenty years, so she can move at the most enjoyable pace. Her enjoyment becomes the reliable signal for when to go deeper into a feeling and when to take a break, since her nature is already to investigate.
Key Concepts
- Love the part in pain the way you wanted your parents to love you
- The story of unhappiness hides the real happiness in the moment
- Loving the part in pain makes you happy in the moment
- Enjoyment is the pace-keeper for how deep to feel
Key Quotes
“So, I don’t want you to feel your whole body. I just want you to look into your body to the part of yourself that feels the worst.”
“I want you to love it exactly the way that you want love from your mom and dad. All the patience. Not needing it to change.”
“What just happened is you hung out. You loved this aspect of yourself. Before you weren’t happy, now you’re happy.”
“There’s moments where you’re happy, but you’re like, ‘No, I’m unhappy. I’m an unhappy person.’ But then you’re not noticing the actual moments of happiness.”
“When you start to love yourself, all the unloved parts come up to be loved.”
“There’s no rush. You’re going to be just as lovable, I guarantee, just as lovable in 20 years as you are today.”
“Your nature is to go into the thing. So, your job is to just make sure you’re enjoying going into the thing. If it becomes unenjoyable, take a break.”
Transcript
I keep getting overwhelmed by bodily sensations or you might call them emotions. They’re extremely uncomfortable and they make it very difficult to rest or to even function. >> Um I really want to know what I can do about them because every single time I try to feel my feelings the same way right now I’m trying to feel everything. I’m trying to feel my hands. I’m trying to feel um this whole experience but it feels so even I’m shaking right now. It feels so distressing and overwhelming. Um, and I’ve been using mindfulness, but I’m just so curious. I >> I emotions are just so >> I’m with you. I’m with you. Do me a favor. The thing that you’re reading >> down on your thing, what are you reading from? >> It’s a It’s a notion document. >> Cool. Can you throw it onto the bed behind you? [laughter] >> Okay. >> Great. Cool. And now tell me what’s what’s your question like from from your heart? From your heart, what’s your question? >> I want to feel good. I haven’t felt good in years. That’s what it is. I haven’t felt peace or safe or good inside or happy in years. >> I feel tears coming. >> Yeah. >> Did you don’t feel good right now? >> No. >> No. No. Part of you feels good right now. So, I don’t want you to feel your whole body. I just want you to look into your body to the part of yourself that feels the worst. Not the story, but the visceral sensation that feels the worst in your body right now. >> I don’t know how to do that. I’ve been listening to all your podcasts and I can’t find out how to do that. >> Well, you just told me you don’t feel good. So, there must be some way that you notice that or you couldn’t tell me that you don’t feel good. I just do mindfulness for this whole experience. That’s all I know how to do right now. >> Okay, hold on. Slow down. You said I don’t feel good. How did you know that? >> I can just feel it. I don’t even need to do anything there. >> Yeah, that So, the thing that you’re feeling that doesn’t feel good, >> right? What’s the part of your body that feels the worst right now? >> Wow. It’s It’s like this this area. >> Great. >> Like this area. >> Great. So, here’s what I want you to do. I want you to go and hang out with that part. This part right here. I just want you to just spend time with it for a minute. >> Like focus on it. Put my awareness like Echartol would say, right? Awareness. >> Yep. Yep. Just put your awareness in it. Yeah. >> I feel shaking. >> Yeah. Great. I see. Yeah. You don’t have to narrate anything until I ask because it’ll slow it down a bit. >> Okay. For sure. >> Yeah. So, just hang out in that for a moment. And then what is it that you what do you want from say your mom and your dad right now? What would you want not just generally what do you want from your mom and dad? >> Yeah. Um I would say love. >> Great. Okay. So I want you to love that thing. Go back to it. Pay attention to it. And I want you to love it exactly the way that you want love from your mom and dad. All the patience. Not needing it to change. Don’t forget to breathe. So, here’s the question. Which do you want more? To feel good or to love yourself? >> I feel good. What’s making you smile right now? Um because it felt like from from what I’ve heard from the many podcasts like the podcast love over defense or if you can’t love the feeling love the resistance. I was expecting you to um I know you were cool with any answer but I kind of felt like the answer uh that you were looking for even though you probably weren’t was to love myself. >> Right. So what made what made you smile? What made you smile around that? >> Cuz the truth is >> you could have been scared. Oh my gosh, Joe’s going to be mad at me. You could have been like defiant. No, I want to feel good cuz you’re going to tell me I have to love myself. But you didn’t. You smiled. What made you smile? >> I’m not scared of anything. I don’t have anything to lose. I’m I’m depressed. I literally have depression. I have nothing to lose. I just want to feel good. >> Huh? You have nothing to lose. >> I feel like I have nothing to lose. No, >> that means you have freedom. >> Yeah, exactly. How many people do you think are on this call looking for freedom? >> Wow. I think everyone wants that. So, I’d say everyone. >> And you have it. >> But I’m not happy. >> So, what’s the difference between freedom and happiness? >> Um, I think happiness feels good and I don’t know if freedom in my experience has been freedom. It feels okay but not Okay. [laughter and gasps] So, the other thing that’s happening is that you’re kind of perpetually giving me a happy face while telling me you don’t feel good. Like somehow >> actually am happy. >> Say again. >> I actually like I actually kind of smile. Like I’m in this conversation with you right now and I’m happy. Now I’m happy. I wasn’t before, but as I’m smiling I’m happy. >> Okay. How did that happen? >> Um it’s just my natural personality. I’m just a smiley happy person but I feel so sad inside. There’s so much sadness. Hold on a second. Let’s just look at the thing. What just happened is you hung out. You loved this aspect of yourself. Before you weren’t happy, now you’re happy. [laughter] >> Uh, wow. Oh my goodness. You are right. You’re absolutely right. Yeah, I’m wrong. You’re right. >> So, there’s also something happening. You have this story in your head about how you’re unhappy that persists even if you’re happy. in like on a momentto moment basis. Do you see what I’m saying, right? >> So, there’s moments where you’re happy, but you’re like, “No, I’m unhappy. I’m an unhappy person. This is what I do. I’m unhappy.” But then you don’t you’re not noticing the actual moments of happiness. >> You’re right. Because the feeling of unhappiness feels way overwhelming. >> Yeah, >> you’re right though. Absolutely right. >> So, so do me a favor. Try to feel happy right now. Every single time I’ve tried, I’ll try again. It’s just >> when I feel happy, I I notice when I try to feel happy, I relax my body. >> I I I slow down. I become more aware of sense sensory perceptions. >> So, just do it. Just show me. >> Okay. Trying to feel happy. There’s there’s a stillness like Eart says. >> Yeah. So, you figured out how to be present in an attempt to feel happy. >> I did. I read all the power of now and all that. >> That’s right. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And and then but now let’s go back again to feeling the part of you that is most in pain. And your job is to love it the way you wanted to be loved, want to be loved by your parents. I always I mean I tried to do it earlier but I’ve always had confusion when you said love how to do that. I heard welcome. I don’t know how to do it. So >> you did it. >> I did it. So literally just put my attention there. >> No. And then you loved it. >> You didn’t ask me how to do it. You didn’t ask me how to do it the first time. So I’m not going to buy that you don’t know how to do it. I saw you do it. You didn’t ask. >> I just tried. But hey, you know you know what’s up. You know you know what’s good. I’ll try it again. Okay. So just act towards it the way that you wanted your parents to act towards you when you were in pain. >> That was good. I notice you’re resisting this thing. Don’t You don’t need to resist it. It’s not going to destroy you. >> How am I resisting it? I just noticed your >> Oh, whenever I when I tense up. >> Yeah. You’re you’re like covering your mouth. You’re trying to like not have the full expression of the sadness. Like somehow in your mind it’s wrong to be just fully sad. >> Oh, it’s just it’s just cuz I have I have neighbors and I don’t want to just be too loud. That’s all. >> [ __ ] your neighbors. Thank you. Okay. Feels so good. This feels like what I’ve been looking for. >> it feels so good. I love myself unconditionally. Yeah, >> this really feels what I’ve been looking for my whole life. [snorts] that’s what we’re looking for. So, I want to share a couple of concepts with you just to help you in your journey. You you you’ve got it. I see that you’ve got it. There’s two concepts that are really helpful. The first is when you start to love yourself, all the unloved parts come up to be loved. And so, you’re like, wait, I’m loving myself and now this is here. Now, oh my god, I thought everything was great and now this thing has shown up. That’s because it’s coming up to be loved. >> This is the fish example, right? The fishing example. I know what you’re talking about. I heard on the podcast. >> Cuttlefish. There you go. >> Yeah. So, that’s the first the first thing to know. And then the second thing to know is there’s no rush. You’ll all you’ll be there to be loved for a long long time. So, you can just like do it at like the most enjoyable pace. You know, if it starts overwhelming, then you can like take a break. >> Go take a walk, hang out with friends. And then when you got a little space, it feels good. Then start loving yourself again. There’s no rush. You’re going to be just as lovable. I guarantee just as lovable in 20 years as you are today. >> Try again. >> But how how do I know when? It’s really hard for me to know when it’s too overwhelming. I’m too broke. I tried to make money for the great decisions course, but I missed it because I’m a broke 18-year-old. How can I make a good decision for when it’s too overwhelming or when I should go deeper into feeling it and let >> just do the thing? Your nature is to go into the thing. So, your job is to just make sure you’re enjoying going into the thing. If it becomes unenjoyable, take a break. >> That’s it. you can trust your your sense of enjoyment because you you have the tendency to investigate. >> Thank you so much, Joe. I love you. >> I love you, too. Thank you. Thanks for watching this video. And if you got something out of it and you’re interested in learning more, there’s really two ways of doing the work. The first is to do the work yourself, which is really powerful. I’ve done a ton of it. But there’s also doing the work with a group of people. And that’s also incredibly powerful because the stuff that got hurt and injured in us in groups is often best healed in groups. And that’s why we offer the connection course. And if you’re interested, just click on the link below.