The single most transformative thing you can do for your communication is listen to yourself while you speak. Not strategize about how to come across, not manage the other person’s reception — just listen to yourself 10% more.
When you listen to yourself while talking, the emotional content shifts from “I am trying to control you” to “I am listening. I am here with you. I am present with you.” This makes others feel safe. It also makes you feel safe, because listening to yourself causes you to speak from safety rather than from fear or desperation.
“If you start strategizing about how to talk in a way that somebody will listen, the emotional content of your conversation is ‘I am trying to control you.’ If you listen to yourself while you’re talking, the emotional content is ‘I am listening. I am here with you. I am present with you.‘”
The hack is absurdly simple: put your attention in your inner ear. That’s it. Joe points out that people resist this simplicity — “seems fake, I like to make things very complicated” — but the body already knows how to do it. In coaching, when Savannah simply listened to herself 10% more, her communication transformed within seconds without any effort or technique.
Related Concepts
- State of mind determines how you’re heard
- Self-abandonment makes communication impossible
- Body awareness is just attention
- Deep listening requires listening to yourself simultaneously