One of the most counterintuitive aspects of deep listening is that it requires keeping some percentage of awareness in yourself. The common assumption is that good listening means fully entering the other person’s world — but Joe argues that putting yourself entirely in the other person is actually a form of management, not listening. It becomes “trying to influence, trying to make sure that they feel safe, trying to make sure they’re cared for.”
When you maintain awareness of your own body while listening, you gain access to a second intelligence channel. Your body responds to what’s being said in ways your mind might miss — like noticing that someone speaking with conviction makes you feel safe, even when their content doesn’t hold up logically. People who listen to themselves are less likely to fall for cons, ignore warning signs in relationships, or abandon themselves to make someone else happy.
“The deeper forms of listening you always have some percentage of your awareness in yourself — which is an incredibly useful thing.”
“People who are good at listening to themselves, they’re less likely to fall for the con, they’re less likely to ignore the boyfriend who’s going to turn abusive.”
This principle also flips the common desire to be listened to. If you want others to listen to you better, the answer is to become a better listener yourself — because if you’re concerned with how people are listening to you, you’re not listening to yourself or them.
“If you really want everybody in your life to start listening to you better, start listening better.”
Related Concepts
- Attunement is listening without leaving yourself
- Body awareness prevents empathic merging
- Self-attunement prevents emotional absorption
- Listening to yourself transforms communication
- Embodied listening improves signal to noise
- Listening with unconditional acceptance transforms relationships
- Listening is receiving, not doing