In conflict, both people desperately want to be seen. But the harder you grasp for it, the more you push it away—because your attempt to be seen (defending yourself) registers as an attack to the other person.
“If you hold on tightly to trying to be seen, you’re going to push being seen away.”
The paradox: if you can release the need to be seen for even a short time—“I don’t need to be seen at this moment, I can be seen in an hour”—and simply listen, the other person will feel heard. And when they feel heard, they naturally become willing to see you.
This is not self-sacrifice or doormatting. It’s strategic emotional intelligence: temporarily releasing your grip so that what you want can come to you.
Related Concepts
- How we listen shapes what we hear
- The VIEW framework for listening
- We push away the approval we seek
- Seeing others is the counterintuitive exit from feeling unseen
- Both people in a fight want to be seen
- Shame creates the see-me-don’t-see-me double bind