When we feel unseen in a conflict, the instinct is to try harder to be seen — to explain, defend, or demand acknowledgment. But the counterintuitive exit is to see the other person. This works through multiple mechanisms.
First, truly seeing someone else requires dropping into your senses — vision, sound, body. This settles your nervous system, calming the fight response and bringing the parts of your brain that can think clearly back online. Second, asking curious questions (from VIEW) takes the other person out of fight-or-flight and into self-reflection. Third, hearing their perspective pulls you out of the mental trap of your fixed story, and parts of your own rigidified identity start to drop away.
“Under most fights, most boardroom fights, most couples fights is this: I just want to be seen and heard.”
“Seeking to see and understand is the hack.”
The first step, before seeing anyone else, is to see yourself: “Of course I just want to be seen here.” This phrase softens the internal fight and begins the process of self-seeing. When you honor your own need with “of course,” you’re already seeing yourself — which is the foundation for being able to see others.
Related Concepts
- Both people in a fight want to be seen
- Every fight is about feeling unseen
- VIEW framework for listening
- Active listening is asking questions
- Letting go of being seen allows you to be seen
- When you don’t feel seen, you’re also not seeing